Woody Allen Quotes

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.
-- (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.
-- (Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1989)